Soul & Money: Can We Get It (& Them) Together?
October 4, 2000
“I really want to make a difference in this world,” confesses Carole, a 42-year-old marketing executive, the ache audible in her frustrated voice. “I’d love to start my own agency. I’ve been absolutely passionate about this for a few years, but I can’t see my making Big Bucks. And I just can’t imagine those two things—passion and money—going together,” she admits.
Carole is far from alone. I interviewed many women from across the country, ranging from 35 to 85 years old. They were mostly middle or upper class economically, and from a variety of ethnic and religious backgrounds. Some were living quiet lives, while others preferred the spotlight. I spoke to mothers, single or married, women childless by choice, career and non-career women and those divorced or never married. Whatever their differences, most of them fervently believed the same thing—that doing work that expresses their Soul’s desire and having that work be financially profitable is, if not impossible, then extremely unlikely.
What gets in the way of successfully blending soul and money, thwarting our passions and aborting our dreams? It’s no one thing but a plethora of influences that makes many women feel confused and inhibited. And these inhibitions didn’t happen overnight—they’ve been with us for 10, 20, or 30 years.
Money alone is a subject women shy away from, feel ashamed about. Somehow, they learned and took to heart that money was dirty, a bad thing, something a “good girl” would want to avoid. And they clung to the notion—which is truly a myth—that money itself corrupts, rather than acknowledging that it’s how money is attained or used that corrupts.
When women do begin to talk, they speak of a sense of dishonesty . . . like they are playing a part in a charade. It’s as if they’ve been playing the money game without every really knowing the rules. “I’ve been pretending and covering up for so long,” bemoans Denise, a 48-year-old, divorced salesperson. “It makes me feel so bankrupt, so lost.”
Women born in the 1940s, ’50s, and even the early ’60s were never taught how to manage money. “I never learned how to manage my money, my time, my life! Isn’t that amazing?!” says Nancy, a wife, mother, and, ironically, a partner in a family-owned business. She continues, “At 53, I’m just coming to terms with that.”
Added to this sense of dishonesty and lack of knowledge was some vague but very strong belief that someone would always take care of us. Underneath this belief were extremely mixed feelings—wanting and not wanting to be taken care of at the same time. “The hardest thing I ever had to admit was that I really wanted my husband to take care of me. I had worked so hard at working hard and making a lot of money to prove that I was as good as any man,” asserts 42-year-old Kathy, an independent consultant. “But the truth was that I was flipping back and forth from a ‘Damn you, I’ll make it myself!’ to a ‘Damn you, take care of me, I’m entitled!’”
Often such rescue fantasies are rooted in our most cherished childhood fairytales. Even today’s women hold in their deepest recesses hopes that their knight in shining armor will come. Susan, 45, went from working as a counter salesperson to being the owner of a multi-million-dollar retail business. “Oh yes! Cinderella and the famous shoes,” she begins. “That was my favorite. Well, I’ve grown out of the dungeon, and I’m in the castle, on my own. But I’m still waiting for my prince to come and fit the glass slipper on my foot!”
Much of our behavior was fueled not only by childhood fairytales, but also by real-life, albeit unspoken, role expectations. We had only two choices: become a “femme fatale,” or be a “good girl.” In either role, we learned quickly that the goodies would be ours instantly if we just played our part well.
One scenario of being the good girl was trying to be “Daddy’s favorite little girl.” “I was my father’s confidante,” confides the now-independent 41-year-old corporate chief financial officer Sharon. “Inappropriately, he’d look to me when I was ten years old for inspiration and psychic guidance. Through high school, he’d take me places and then give me very expensive gifts—ruby rings, diamond earrings, a full-length raccoon coat. This was very confusing, but it set up a powerful pattern—I learned if I’m good, I’ll get the goodies,” she concludes.
Another belief that many women hold might be called the “scarcity versus abundance” mindset. It’s this feeling that there isn’t enough money to go around and there never will be. “I used to think that there wasn’t enough ‘enoughness’ anywhere and no hope of there ever being,” reveals Dorothy, a 39-year-old physician. “If I’m really spiritual, I can’t charge and make money” was her mantra. Maintaining this belief into your 40s, 50s, and beyond can make it hard to ever feel financially comfortable.
It’s very fashionable today to say, “Do what you love, the money will follow!” That implies that you know what you love! No one ever clued us in about lag time! Yes, it will follow, but there’s no telling how long it will take. So follow your passions, but let’s get real. Let’s get out of the ethers and down to earth. It takes doing—taking action and doing the grunt work—to ground our passions, to realize our dreams.
Having all these limiting beliefs and inhibitions leaves no place for women to express their Soul, their authentic voice. As we settle into the new millenium, so many women feel the need to respond to their deepest nature.
When one of my clients asks me how all this works, I say, “Once you uncover your unlimited passion, then you heat it up. And, if you get it hot enough, you’ll make as much money as you want.” But the trick is getting on your path and staying on purpose. This requires paying attention and listening to your “Soulspeak™.”
Soul and money are not polarities. Rather, they are two aspects of a woman’s wholeness, her Yin/Yang. Bringing these aspects together and integrating them in our everyday lives moves us closer to a state of completeness. Go ahead! Leverage your inner treasures to create a full and juicy future for yourself. You do deserve it!
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